Dear Friends,
A group of men was discussing the impact parents have on the personalities of their children. A discussion question from the study guide they were using suggested that each give three words that would describe their parents. Words offered ran the gamut from loving, kind, and supportive to missing, neglectful, and abusive. Even those who had positive feelings about their parents admitted their parents had been far from “perfect.”
I’ve read a few guidebooks on parenting and none of them begins with the words from Matthew 5:48, “Be perfect as your father in heaven is perfect.” None of us is perfect. Yet, even good parents feel the burden of their imperfectness.
It seems ironic that Jesus words, “Be perfect as your father in heaven is perfect” are part of a discourse on loving your enemies. In families, sometimes battle lines are drawn; loved ones become adversaries. Why the conflict? There are as many reasons as there are families, but one common problem is unrealistic expectations. Parents can expect too much of their children and children, once they start to build their own identity, can expect too much of their parents.
One of the men in the men’s group had been born in Nigeria. His birth father had passed away when he was two years old, and his mother had married his father’s brother. He used a Nigerian saying to explain the damage caused by conflict between his mother and his stepfather: “When adult elephants fight,” he said, “they are careful not to hurt the tender grass around them.” The elephants, he explained, are symbolic of adults, while the tender grass represents the children.”
Parents forget — or more likely — never learned how fragile children are. On the flip side, as children mature, they can forget how fragile their parents may be. The “pick three words to describe” exercise is a good way to come to a better understanding of your feelings about a mother/father/child/or sibling who may have left a negative imprint on you.
When I was asked, for example, what three words would describe my father, I had no problem listing intelligence, integrity, and impatience. As I thought about each word, I realized the positive and negative imprints my father had made on me and on my approach to parenting. For me, healing came when I took time to ponder what had been the damaging impact of my father’s impatience.
The first thing I realized was that the number of times he had been patient far outnumbered the times when he lost his patience. One “Aw shucks,” as they say, erases a hundred “atta-boys.”
The second thing I realized was — truth be told — I had often given him cause to be impatient (either accidently or on purpose).
Friends have told me that a single incident or a handful of incidents clouded their appreciation of any good their parents may have done. Others have shared stories of experiences that were so abusive, they don’t know how to begin the process of healing. Sometimes, we need to allow the dust settle, then pray that God will guide us as we seek to give and receive the forgiveness that promotes family unity.
When you list the three words that best describe anyone who may have trampled your “emotional grass,” I encourage you to have a heart that longs for reconciliation.
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Colossians 3:12-14
Blessings and Happy Mother’s Day
Your Friends in Christ
Because He Loves Us Press 