Dear Friends,
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die. Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a (NIV)
Recently, I attended a workshop — “Meeting the Challenges of Today’s Grieving Families.” The presenter was Dr. William G. Hoy, Clinical Professor of Medical Humanities at Baylor University in Waco, Texas. He offered a model that may be helpful to anyone who is supporting someone going through the grieving process.
When we experience loss, it is helpful to have someone who will walk beside us; when a friend suffers a loss, it is a blessing to be able to be there to comfort them.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Most of us are ill equipped to provide comfort to someone who is grieving. The Latin phrase “primum non nocere — first, do no harm” should be our watchword. It is better to do nothing than to say something that would weaken, discourage, or destabilize the person who is grieving. Dr. Hoy’s model identifies four phases grieving people may experience and offers suggestions on how to help them through each phase. We don’t need to be psychotherapists. In most cases, we just need to be friends willing to listen.
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4.
Phase 1: Remembering
During this phase, the emphasis is on identifying character qualities: “sharing stories, reflecting on values, and evaluating the impact of this life.”
Conversation starters include, tell me about (name); what was (name) like as a young person? What is the one thing you will always remember about (name)?
Give the person a non-judgmental sounding board.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, James 1:19
Phase 2: Reaffirming
Dr. Hoy characterizes this phase as “Finding the spiritual/philosophical anchors and meanings that support in the loss. Discover their beliefs.”
If the one you are trying to comfort is a Christian, here are some Scriptures they may find comforting: You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5 (NIV)
The LORD comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.
Isaiah 49:13b
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
“My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.” John 14:2-3
What if the person who needs comforting, or the person they lost, had beliefs about death and the afterlife different from yours. Pray first. Ask the Holy Spirit to give you the right words. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone. Colossians 4:6
What if the grieving person specifically asks about your beliefs? In your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect.” Peter 3:15-16
There is a world of difference between sharing the hope you have and challenging another’s beliefs at such a vulnerable moment. Treating a person with gentleness and respect may open the door to a future discussion of faith.
Here are things you can say that may be comforting to a grieving non-Christian.
1. Acknowledge the Pain Involved with Losing a Loved One.
I’m sorry. This must be hard for you.
This is so sad. I know you will miss her.
It’s okay to cry.
2. Affirm That All Human Beings Are Precious
She was an amazing violinist.
He was so cheerful—he always brought a smile to my morning!
Her work with those school kids was remarkable
3. Commend the Loving Actions of Their Grieving
You took such good care of your mom at the end. I know you loved her.
He often told me how much your friendship meant to him.
I always liked seeing the way you helped her get in and out of the car.
Phase 3: Realizing
In this phase, you help the person come to terms with the reality of the loss and the magnitude of grief’s pain. During this stage people often talk about seeing, hearing, or feeling the presence of a deceased loved one. This is not a time to try to talk them out of their grief or dismiss their comments. Grief is normal, and it can be painful. During this phase, the grieving may need help to find positive ways to fill the void that has been created in their lives.
In the book, Living When a Loved One Has Died, Earl Grollman wrote, “Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
Phase 4: Releasing
In the final phase, we say goodbye to the relationship as we knew it and move into the future. Their memory stays with us, but we learn to move on without that person. Everyone grieves differently. For some, the season of grieving is very short, for others it may last several years. During this phase — as a comforter — we try to help them move through their recovery one day at a time. Once again, the Bible offers words of encouragement:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens … a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4
One person I spoke with told me, “After the loss of my husband, my greatest fear was that I would never be able to laugh again.” She eventually entered her season of laughter.
Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. John 16:20
‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Revelation 21:4
Blessings,
Your Friends in Christ
Because He Loves Us Press 